Friday, March 2, 2012

Remembering Daddy

Hello friends!!

It’s been at least a good week since I last posted, in fact maybe more. Although ever since college my life has been filled with books and Starbucks. Surprise…Surprise. Honestly, college is great, especially when you see all those credits rank up, but I do miss the good old days. Wow, never thought I would say that! Almost 20 and already getting old!!

Anyways, as I promised I would be blogging my little heart out on the memories of my beloved father. Get ready, this one is a tear jerker and a lengthy read, BUT seriously worth it. I am such crazy picture lady; I wish desperately I could have some pictures on here, although sadly we lost ALL digital copies of my daddy when our computer crashed!! SO upsetting, if only we would have saved them on something else!!

Anyways, where to begin? My dad was beyond words amazing. From the moment I can remember him till right before he passed he was the most caring and compassionate person ever. If he loved someone, he loved them so passionately it literally blew you away. If he loved SOMETHING he would put so much love and attention to that something it blew your mind. He loved so many people and so many things so deeply WELL, I cannot even begin to describe it better then that. Except Jesus and my mother I had NEVER EVER seen anybody love they way he did.

To this day I carry that with me. Remembering how he was, especially how he loved people. I can only strive to be as passionate as he was. Everything he did, he did with fiery passion. He loved my mother desperately with passion. He showed in the way he treated her, treated others, and served her. No mater what my mother knew she was loved with everything he had. He loved me desperately. He would rub my back ALL THE TIME. I am a HUGE sucker for that. Seriously, if you offer to rub my back there is never a time I will say no. He would sit there and listen to me read for endless hours, even running on no sleep. He would cook the BEST boxed Mac and Cheese EVER. We would have the best jam sessions while he was always making sure the music was okay for me to listen too, again loving me desperately. He loved his family members better then anyone, risking things for them, sacrificing his time and energy. While making glass bottles, he loved doing that desperately, even at the graveyard shift. He loved, loved, loved and LOVED some more collecting Matchbox cars. That was by far his favorite pass time….ever. He had so many you would probably drop your jaw if only you saw. It was really amazing. Lastly, towards the end of his life he truly loved Jesus Christ with his whole heart and soul. Daily he prayed desperate prayers and he really realized how much he needed our good lord Jesus. Through his illness it really showed me what a steadfast love for Jesus was.

Many nights in the hospital I wondered why my daddy? Why was I sleeping on the horrible waiting chairs? Why couldn’t we just go home right now instead of eating this horrific food while sitting in his room? Why is he just laying there? Why isn’t he getting better like they said he would be? Why isn’t he talking back to me? Wait? What number day is this again? Many nights I fell asleep holding his hand, rubbing it, or telling him ALL about school. Of course I also wasn’t in school much so there wasn’t much to talk about. Many times he couldn’t respond so all he did was cry. Me and him had a special connection where if he started crying, so would I then try to be the strong one…yeah right. I told him many times that it was going to be okay, that he didn’t have to cry. In a sweet charming absolutely lovely letter he wrote me he said that was one of the most impactful things he had remembered hearing and will never forget. I didn’t lie, I really knew somehow everything was going to be okay. Even through him being sick like I said my dad was still HIM. He still squeezed my hand, still cried many tears, fought the machines, and fought the cancer. He was and still is to this day, one of the strongest men I know and holds a special place in my heart nobody could ever, EVER take. Of course the spot for Jesus is much bigger, but I was and always will be a daddy’s girl.

On the anniversary of his passing I think of the past and the future. Like, remembering when we used to go to Ocean Shores. How he tried to help my pathetic self learn how to skate. How he went to Mt. Rainer with the family and was known as the household prankster. All the great times we went to Disneyland for a vacation. How many times he told me to never find a boy, ever. The times he made me warm milk because I couldn’t sleep. Every time he sang, I swear cats were dying but it was secretly the BEST. When he tried to be the cool dad and dance, yet he was the most embarrassing one there. One of my favorite things was his hugs. He seriously gave the best you would have ever found. Lastly, his love for sparkly things, not for himself obviously, BUT for me…his little princess. Then I think about the future. Like, I wonder what he would say about my freshman, sophomore, Junior and Senior Year of High School. Always wondered if he would have actually liked my car…..he wasn’t fond of the color yellow. Wondered if he would have gotten me an, “off the showroom floor” car. Obviously, wondered if he would like my bangs. What he would think of my Starbucks addiction, or if he would be helping me with it. Of course theres the whole, would he like my choice of music because he was SO different. What would he have thought of me on Graduation…would he have cried?! What would he have thought about my 1st boyfriend? What about my future fiancé? What about my wedding dress? Would he have shot the poor guy or just burned him with literally 200 questions? In my wedding would I let him choose our song to dance too? If so, what would he have chosen? Seriously so many questions and thoughts run through my head every year. This year was NO different.

February 27th, 2005 my father passed away. 7 years later I have grown to be a woman after his heart and passion. Forever he will hold a special place and my standards of a man in my life has been raised thanks to him. Even though my life was only benefitted 11 years with his presence, it was 11 AMAZING years that I will never ever forget. This post was for you daddy, miss you always and forever, your favorite little princess.  

PS. Don’t worry; I am 19 and still single. You would be proud.

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